Over the past 4+ years I have said this a lot! I just want to be better. I just want my old self back. The journey of recovery has been very bumpy with potholes of my own expectations. It has taken a lot of work to let go, to let go of who I was and what I was capable of. To let go of the expectations I had for my life. To let go of each of my identities and embrace who I am becoming.
This morning I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Some days I am so on top of things, but then it always comes at a cost of recovery. I was crying as I drove to the studio, feeling like a failure for not being able to juggle all the balls. Hell, some days I forget them all together until they fall and hit me in the proverbial head. I was feeling defeated that I need to depend so much on others and that I let people down (my perception). And although I fixed each mistake and asked for advice, I cried.
I didn’t try to stop my tears, nor justify them or judge them. I let them fall and asked myself, what is this about. Right away my mind relied, I just want to be better. We used to be so capable. I got calm. What is better? Sometimes we need to cry because it is a way for our bodies to release excess stress that doesn’t serve us. To let go of judgements so that we can not only accept what is, but really appreciate it.
When I got to the studio, I shared my struggles. They are amazing and supportive, so they just hugged me and told me everything was good, we got this. I shared this thought and judgement about wanting to be better and it occurred to me I AM. I am not who I was. I never will be. I am better.
How often do you judge yourself by the yardstick of an earlier, younger version of you?
How many gifts do we miss in present time by looking back?
How are you better today than you were yesterday?
For me? I am more compassionate and have far greater empathy. I experience inner peace more days than not, and they keep increasing. I want this for you too.
Brightest of blessings,